21st Century Dads.
For Father’s Day.
By Sue Leonard.
Published as the cover story in ‘Feelgood’ in the Irish Examiner, 18th June, 2010.
Once the family unit was sacrosanct. It consisted of a working dad; and a mum who cared for the kids. How things have changed! Now that mums work too, and divorce is commonplace, there are all kinds of functioning families. This father’s day let’s celebrate the dads who don’t meet the old stereotypes. What does fatherhood mean to them?
THE SINGLE DAD
Declan Keaveney, 53, and from Maynooth separated from his wife in 2005. He, eventually, gained custody of his children, Coran, 14. Ciara, 12 and Cathal, 10, and his wife has since died. At first, Declan hired a nanny and continued working as a Garda. He adored his job, and gained constant promotion, but he gave it all up for the sake of his children.
“It was the best decision I ever made,” says Declan. “My children are so precious, and this is the most important time in their lives. I think it is vital for me to be there for them. I think one, or both parents should always be there. ”
Before he got custody, Declan took a parenting course.
“That was wonderful,” he says. “It gave me confidence. It was good to discuss ways of parenting with other parents.
“I give the children boundaries. I think kids like them. They test them occasionally to check they are still there.”
The best thing about being a dad, Declan says, is the satisfaction he gets seeing the children go off to school with a smile on their faces.
“To see that is fantastic. I got satisfaction from being a garda; from passing exams and from extra-curricular activities, but it was nothing compared to the satisfaction I get from parenting. It’s challenging, but life is no good if there are no challenges. The worst thing is when one of them gets hurt.”
Declan on Father’s Day.
“It doesn’t mean a whole lot, but I think fathers should be equal to mothers. It’s important to give fathers recognition.”
THE AT HOME DAD
Xuan Busto, dad to Isolina, 6, and Fionn, 3, was once a computer engineer working with Intel. But three years ago, when he was offered redundancy, he decided to take it, and follow his dreams. A keen photographer, he set up a business, www.asturphoto.com, fitting his work around the children, whom he cares for at home.
“My wife, Shauna, works in admin in a university,” says Xuan. “The children were in a crèche full time early on. And we didn’t want that. After fifteen years of working in a job with a lot of stress, it was good to take a break. I may go back in the future, but right now, I’m enjoying being with the children.”
It’s not all easy. There are times when Xuan finds it difficult to keep his cool. Like when Fionn locked himself into the bathroom, or when the children spend their time fighting. And it can be lonely.
“I feel a bit left out at the school gates. I tend not to be included in ‘play dates.’ I had a friend who was an at home dad too. But he only lasted a year. That was hard for me. I miss him a lot.
“The best thing is getting to know the children. When they have a problem, they come to me. I love those intimate moments.”
“There are times I want to bang my head against a wall. Parenting is hard, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
XUAN ON FATHER’S DAY
“It’s good to give dad’s recognition. I think that’s important.”
THE GAY DAD
Brian Finnegan, 45, is the editor of Gay Community News. When he was in his late teens, he wasn’t thinking about having children. Yet though he was gay, he wanted to be heterosexual.
“I was unhappy about being gay when I met my son’s mother. We hit it off, and began to have a sexual relationship. I thought, ‘hurrah I am part of the club.’
By the time Brian’s son was born, he realised he couldn’t be straight.
“We stayed together until he was a year old, to give each other support, and but by then I’d grown into myself. We separated, but we’ve always stayed friends. We take our role as parents very seriously and I’ve always stayed involved.
“My son was aware that I had my partner and that he was always part of my life; when we stayed in his mum’s house we always had ‘our room,’ but we didn’t tell him I was gay until he was nine. He took it well.
“The first time one of his friends asked, was when he was 17. He asked the friend how he knew and he said, ‘he has all the sex in the city DVD’s.’ We had a good laugh about that.
“Fatherhood is hugely important to me. And I know my role has been equally important to him. He has two male role models, his step father and myself. He’s been role modelled by a gay man who is liberal and a lover of equality and diversity in the world. Along with his mother, I’ve been instrumental in shaping who he has become.
“I know my relationship with my son is incredibly important to him. And he has grounded me in many ways I would not have been. He’s made me happier as a result for sure.”
BRIAN ON FATHER’S DAY
“It’s usually the same day as my birthday, so father’s day gets shoved to one side. But it’s good to recognise fathers.”
THE PART-TIME DAD
When Pádraic McNamara, 23, first discovered he was to be a dad, he was shocked to the core.
“It was ‘whoa!’ I didn’t think I was ready,” says Pádraic. “It wasn’t planned. But when Darragh, now 10 months, was born, it was brilliant. I was at the birth and I was dazed with emotion.”
At the time Pádraic was living with Darragh’s mum, but the relationship didn’t work out. So he moved home to his mum in Mulhuddart. He has custody of Darragh for three or four days every week – usually from Monday until Thursday, leaving him free to work over the weekend.
“Being a dad is really rewarding,” says Pádraic. “It’s delightful just to watch your son, and to see how quickly he grows, and how quickly he learns. Darragh has given me a sense of meaning and purpose; he’s given my life a sense of direction.
“He’s a little angel. There’s not a bother on him. He’s easy to look after and he’s a great lad. He’s always happy. When I was still with Laura I missed my freedom, but I still have that now. My mother has taken to the grandmother role well. If I’m working – as a barman- she will mind Darragh for me.
“I have great plans for Darragh. I want him to learn languages and to learn a musical instrument. I want him to have better than I had. I’ll teach him strong family values. I’m determined to be a good dad.”
PÁDRAIC ON FATHER’S DAY
“My father was absent from a young age, so I never celebrated it. It’s just a date, a bit like Valentine’s Day. You should be a good dad all the time. It means nothing.”
THE YOUNG DAD
Liam Duff, now 21, hadn’t planned to become a dad at nineteen, but he’d always wanted to be a young dad.
“I always thought that would be good,” says Liam. “My father was 35 when he had me. I was always aware of that gap.”
A 3rd year student at UCC – Liam misses out on the extra-curricular activities. It’s an hour’s bus trip to get home to Kinsale, to Hugo, and to his partner, Charlotte Cargin.
“People say, ‘shouldn’t you be travelling, or in nightclubs binge drinking,’ but I was never, really into all that. I enjoyed my Leaving Certificate holiday, but even in first year, before I had Hugo, I got bored with it. It seemed trivial and a waste of money.
“The best thing about being a dad, is Hugo’s ability to be always happy. However upset you might be, Hugo will come in and give you a hug. If he walks into a room you can’t help but smile. He’s always jumping around smiling. It’s contagious and has an uplifting effect. He can be frustrating, and I get frustrated with him, but that’s a small thing.
“I hope Hugo and I have a good mutual respect for each other. I hope I can be a good friend who can influence him. I’d like to help him acquire a good spiritual compass, because if one has that, life can be much easier.”
LIAM ON FATHER’s DAY
“I think fathers should be recognised, but I’m not sure father’s day is the way to do it.”
© Sue Leonard. 2010.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Author/Actor John Lynch
John Lynch
Interviewed by Sue Leonard
Published in The Irish Examiner 19th June. 2010
John Lynch is instantly recognisable. He ambles into Brooke’s Hotel in Dublin wearing a black jacket and leather cap, and I imagine I’m in the company of a hard republican. During his prolific film career Lynch has portrayed Bobby Sands, Paul Hill, and in Mo, Gerry Adams.
Parts are still pouring in for the 48 year old from Armagh. He recently returned from Morocco, where he portrayed the Angel Gabriel in The Nativity. He has also just published his second novel. Why, when he’s so busy, would he bother?
“With acting, frustration sets in,” he says, holding eye contact. “As someone said to me a few weeks ago, the only power you have as an actor is ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Once you have said ‘yes,’ to something you’ve said ‘yes’ to everything. To the director, the script, the crew – that’s it. So I think writing is a way of trying to empower myself.
“When I was at drama school studying Shakespeare and Chekhov , I was taking language apart, trying to work out how it came to be. And how to translate that into a physical moment. I thought, some day, I will try and create a total world instead of just driving one character’s story.”
Many actors have turned to the pen; but none as effectively as John Lynch. His debut, Torn Water, was an astonishing assured study of a troubled teenage boy making sense of his world. Falling out of Heaven is even more powerful.
It’s a dark book centring round alcoholism, but the writing is so lyrical; the characters so believable, and the observations so astute, that by the end the reader feels uplifted. This is the best book I have read all year.
Gabriel O’Rourke has a loving wife, and a beautiful young son. He excels at teaching, and has a supportive family. So why does he let drink break him, until he becomes homeless and psychotic?
Falling out of Heaven shows Gabriel’s journey through a secure psychiatric unit to ultimate redemption. In that process, he has to confront his past, and face the demons that led him to act in such a reprehensible way. All this impacts on those close to him. Lynch achieves this with flashback, flitting backwards and forwards in time.
Lynch is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn’t touched a drink in eleven years, but is the story autobiographical?
“Not massively. The childhood is not my childhood, the father not my father and the drinking not my drinking. Someone said, ‘we all fall out of heaven but some of us remember the fall.’ I wanted to capture that feeling.
“I do know about alcoholism; it plays brain tricks. You feel withdrawn, you don’t trust anybody, you go missing, and you have huge melancholia. It’s a constant war to keep going, to keep upright and to keep functioning.
“I didn’t fall as far as Gabriel. I rang my doctor and asked him what I could do. He suggested a treatment centre in London. I met a lot of people there who had a lot of problems, and some of their stories were fascinating. For the first time in my life I was actually listening. I used some of their stories for Gabriel, and mixed them with my own.”
The book isn’t just about alcoholism. It shows the continuing tension in the North too. There’s a wonderful anecdote where a shopkeeper outwits a gang of tribal teens.
Does Lynch consider himself a writer first, or an actor?
“In my head I’m a writer, always. Even when I’m acting, I’ll be thinking, how can I put that into words? How can I relate that emotionally, and how describe it? Defining an inner life – that is a form of writing.”
Lynch recounts a scene in a movie he made in London, where he has to beat a young actor, almost to death. He knocked the actor to the floor, then, in a stunt, pounded a body bag which was covered in blood bags.
“I got into a rhythm of energy and violence. I decided to head butt the body bag. That hadn’t been set up, and it looks really sick on the tape. But the character goes into a frenzy. He’s effectively had a breakdown. By the end I was shaking. And when I washed off all the fake blood, I found this massive blood blister on my head.
“I find it easy to jump into a character I’m writing too. I make a quick decision. I think what would underpin this guy? I based Gabriel as a teacher on my own teachers in St Calman’s. I remembered how they carried themselves and how they behaved. It was important, to me, to show Gabriel as a teacher. It showed that he was, basically, a good guy.”
Does Lynch miss drinking?
“It gave me time,” he says. “I was still working as an actor, but there is a lot of time in-between. I thought, what do I do now? I’ve all this activity in my head. That’s why, and when, I started to write.”
Surely, though, drink is part of what actors do?
“Certainly there’s a great romance between drinking and acting. I remember when I started acting there were all these stories about Richard Harris and all these great drinkers. That time has gone. Bad behaviour is tolerated less.
“There does become a time in the evening, for example, at the wrap party in London, a moment where you just know it’s time to go. It’s when a lot of people have left their inhibitions behind.
“And yes, I am sometimes tempted to drink. When the first copy of thi
s book arrived I felt like celebrating. But immediately an image of drinking appears. I don’t know where drink will take me. I become a version of myself I don’t like. I become unreliable. I go missing. I get depressed, and I can’t stop.”
Falling out of Heaven by John Lynch is published by Fourth Estate at 13.99 euro.
Interviewed by Sue Leonard
Published in The Irish Examiner 19th June. 2010
John Lynch is instantly recognisable. He ambles into Brooke’s Hotel in Dublin wearing a black jacket and leather cap, and I imagine I’m in the company of a hard republican. During his prolific film career Lynch has portrayed Bobby Sands, Paul Hill, and in Mo, Gerry Adams.
Parts are still pouring in for the 48 year old from Armagh. He recently returned from Morocco, where he portrayed the Angel Gabriel in The Nativity. He has also just published his second novel. Why, when he’s so busy, would he bother?
“With acting, frustration sets in,” he says, holding eye contact. “As someone said to me a few weeks ago, the only power you have as an actor is ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Once you have said ‘yes,’ to something you’ve said ‘yes’ to everything. To the director, the script, the crew – that’s it. So I think writing is a way of trying to empower myself.
“When I was at drama school studying Shakespeare and Chekhov , I was taking language apart, trying to work out how it came to be. And how to translate that into a physical moment. I thought, some day, I will try and create a total world instead of just driving one character’s story.”
Many actors have turned to the pen; but none as effectively as John Lynch. His debut, Torn Water, was an astonishing assured study of a troubled teenage boy making sense of his world. Falling out of Heaven is even more powerful.
It’s a dark book centring round alcoholism, but the writing is so lyrical; the characters so believable, and the observations so astute, that by the end the reader feels uplifted. This is the best book I have read all year.
Gabriel O’Rourke has a loving wife, and a beautiful young son. He excels at teaching, and has a supportive family. So why does he let drink break him, until he becomes homeless and psychotic?
Falling out of Heaven shows Gabriel’s journey through a secure psychiatric unit to ultimate redemption. In that process, he has to confront his past, and face the demons that led him to act in such a reprehensible way. All this impacts on those close to him. Lynch achieves this with flashback, flitting backwards and forwards in time.
Lynch is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn’t touched a drink in eleven years, but is the story autobiographical?
“Not massively. The childhood is not my childhood, the father not my father and the drinking not my drinking. Someone said, ‘we all fall out of heaven but some of us remember the fall.’ I wanted to capture that feeling.
“I do know about alcoholism; it plays brain tricks. You feel withdrawn, you don’t trust anybody, you go missing, and you have huge melancholia. It’s a constant war to keep going, to keep upright and to keep functioning.
“I didn’t fall as far as Gabriel. I rang my doctor and asked him what I could do. He suggested a treatment centre in London. I met a lot of people there who had a lot of problems, and some of their stories were fascinating. For the first time in my life I was actually listening. I used some of their stories for Gabriel, and mixed them with my own.”
The book isn’t just about alcoholism. It shows the continuing tension in the North too. There’s a wonderful anecdote where a shopkeeper outwits a gang of tribal teens.
Does Lynch consider himself a writer first, or an actor?
“In my head I’m a writer, always. Even when I’m acting, I’ll be thinking, how can I put that into words? How can I relate that emotionally, and how describe it? Defining an inner life – that is a form of writing.”
Lynch recounts a scene in a movie he made in London, where he has to beat a young actor, almost to death. He knocked the actor to the floor, then, in a stunt, pounded a body bag which was covered in blood bags.
“I got into a rhythm of energy and violence. I decided to head butt the body bag. That hadn’t been set up, and it looks really sick on the tape. But the character goes into a frenzy. He’s effectively had a breakdown. By the end I was shaking. And when I washed off all the fake blood, I found this massive blood blister on my head.
“I find it easy to jump into a character I’m writing too. I make a quick decision. I think what would underpin this guy? I based Gabriel as a teacher on my own teachers in St Calman’s. I remembered how they carried themselves and how they behaved. It was important, to me, to show Gabriel as a teacher. It showed that he was, basically, a good guy.”
Does Lynch miss drinking?
“It gave me time,” he says. “I was still working as an actor, but there is a lot of time in-between. I thought, what do I do now? I’ve all this activity in my head. That’s why, and when, I started to write.”
Surely, though, drink is part of what actors do?
“Certainly there’s a great romance between drinking and acting. I remember when I started acting there were all these stories about Richard Harris and all these great drinkers. That time has gone. Bad behaviour is tolerated less.
“There does become a time in the evening, for example, at the wrap party in London, a moment where you just know it’s time to go. It’s when a lot of people have left their inhibitions behind.
“And yes, I am sometimes tempted to drink. When the first copy of thi
s book arrived I felt like celebrating. But immediately an image of drinking appears. I don’t know where drink will take me. I become a version of myself I don’t like. I become unreliable. I go missing. I get depressed, and I can’t stop.”
Falling out of Heaven by John Lynch is published by Fourth Estate at 13.99 euro.
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