Women who Cheat at Fifty

Wives who cheat at 50

Sue Leonard on the 50-something women happy to have an affair once the kids are raised

An affair to remember: Meryl Streep?s It?s Complicated character rekindles a relationship with her ex-husband who has a new wife

By Sue Leonard

Monday February 15 2010

In the 1950s, the era of TV's Mad Men, women were middle-aged at 30, and old at 50. Their children reared, life was essentially over. How things have changed.

Today's over-50s feel sassy and sexy. They're independent. They embrace life. And they relate wholeheartedly to Jane, played by Meryl Streep, in Nancy Meyer's new movie, It's Complicated.

After years as a single, celibate mum, Streep's character becomes attracted to a younger man. She gives off sexual vibes; her ex-husband responds, and they have an affair -- making Jane 'the other woman'.

It's great to think that women in their 50s feel so sexually alive -- but do they really have affairs?

"Absolutely," says Cathy Breslin, a counsellor who runs the website www.ditched.ie. "They love the excitement of an affair after years of being with the same person. They love the buzz. Very often they go for married men. They feel there's a safety net. The affair doesn't have to go any further. They feel he is committed to his wife, and I am committed to my family.

"Botox and invasive and non-invasive cosmetic surgery has given women confidence," says Cathy. "And when they have confidence, they really believe they can do more. There's a wonderful awakening, in this culture particularly. They start new careers around 50 as well. Their guilt has gone. Their children are reared and it's now all about them."

Self-help groups and books have helped women rediscover themselves too.

"They realise there could be more to their lives," Cathy continues. "They've been rearing their kids and waiting for something to happen. Now they're reaching out. It's like a rejuvenation."

Gerry Hickey, a counsellor and psychotherapist, agrees.

'Women of 50 don't feel as old as their mothers did, and they're not expected to feel old. There isn't any pressure on them, as there was when they were younger. The fear of pregnancy has gone, so has the responsibility for children. And they feel more accepting about their body shape and about themselves. They radiate confidence.

"Previous generations stepped from one age to another. Older people recoiled into the background, but that is not the case now. Women are more financially dependent, so they can afford to get out.

"Reality TV and the internet have opened up a debate about sex," says Gerry. "Women have lost their fear of talking about it. And if they're not afraid to ask for what they want, that opens up a whole new world for them. It can improve their marital relationship, or lead them into an affair."

Affairs though, can bring anguish.

"The guilt and fear can take the good away, because older women feel more responsible than younger ones. And their biggest fear is that the children will find out. Their reputation within the family will be tarnished. The advice given to them would be to try and get some help with their marriage," adds Gerry.

Surely, though, the demise of the Celtic Tiger has reined in women somewhat?

"It's curbed the nightclub scene," he says. "But when couples are stuck together at home a lot, they become bored. And boredom forces them to face their own reality. They want cheap thrills. So they look for escape routes. I've seen an increase in older women having affairs since the recession kicked in."

Many women in their 50s look for men on the internet. But it's a high-risk activity.

"I know one man who recently met four women through the internet, and he got an STD."

And sexually transmitted diseases are not the only risk.

"At 50, an affair is far more likely to end the marriage," says Gerry. "It's extremely high risk. Rather than wanting to work on the marriage, the 'wronged' partner will usually say: 'I haven't been feeling the best about the marriage either, so that's fine.'

"At that age, people feel life is too short. They feel: why bother to fix something that's over? When someone's affair is discovered, they often don't want to work on their marriage. They seem to think 'that was a cycle of my life, and that is completed'."

We often think that older women will go for younger men. But that's not always the case.

"Many women prefer an older man. I know one who goes for over-60s. She meets them on the internet. And she's having a ball."

- Sue Leonard

Irish Independent

Breastfeeding Older Children.

breastfed my daughter until she was six . . .

It's still a taboo subject, but Sue Leonard discovers why many mothers give children time to self-wean

Krysia Lynch and her children Naoise, Fionn and Siabhra . Krysia was happy to breastfeed her kids into toddlerhood. Picture by Ronan Lang

By Sue Leonard

Tuesday January 19 2010

We're getting used to the sight of young mums breastfeeding in public, but how would you react if the 'baby' being fed was five -- or even older? Should limits be set on breastfeeding?

Ann Sinnott, from Cambridge, breastfed her daughter until she was six and a half years old. Believing that all children should, ideally, be allowed to choose when breastfeeding ceases, Ann set out to explore international attitudes to this somewhat taboo practice.

In her book, Breast-feeding Older Children, she questioned women, men and children from 48 countries via the internet, and she found that breastfeeding until a child is three, six, nine, or even 11 is a growing phenomenon.

Why, though, did she write her book?

"My aim was to support mums who are long-term breastfeeding, and to show them they are not alone," she says.

"I'd like to educate health professionals, because the damage their negative comments can do is incalculable.

"If, as a result of my book, more mums breastfeed their babies for a year, I'll be happy. If they breastfeed until the child is two I'll be happier still, and if they allow they child to self-wean I'll be happiest of all."

Ann aimed to challenge the negative perceptions of many psychologists who contend that breastfed older children are emotionally damaged.

"Breastfed children are happy. They rarely cry because their needs are being met. My daughter, at six, was serene and incredibly independent, yet she had the need to continue breastfeeding. I went along with her until she was ready to stop."

Pointing out that an older child rarely breastfeeds in public; that it's something done behind closed doors, Sinnott says the reasons most mums gave for long-term breastfeeding, was that it was what their child wanted.

The World Health Organisation recommends that mothers breastfeed until their child is two years old, and beyond.

Yet, in Ireland, only 2.4pc of women are still breastfeeding when their babies are six to seven months old -- according to a national study on infant feeding, carried out for the HSE by Trinity College Dublin.

"We don't have figures for mothers who breastfeed on a more long-term basis," says Maureen Fallon, the HSE's national breastfeeding coordinator.

"We would recommend that mothers follow the WHO guidelines and feed until two or beyond. But it must be a mutual decision. At that stage, breastfeeding is more for comfort than anything else.

"If it's mutually beneficial, it is the mother's and the child's business, and it's not for anyone else to intrude upon."

When Krysia Lynch first saw a walking, talking child breastfeeding, her eyes almost popped out of her head.

She was at a La Leche League meeting with her first child Naoise at the time, and had not realised long-term breastfeeding was possible.

"It was wow! I didn't know my body was capable of that," says Krysia, who is now a mum of three. "I'd never been exposed to it before."

Krysia had always intended to breastfeed.

"My mother breastfed all of us until we were around six or seven months old," she says, "and all the women in my family breastfed. I knew I would do it, but I had no idea how long I would continue.

"I was naive. I thought when your baby took real food you stopped breastfeeding. I didn't realise there was a process called weaning."

When Naoise reached six months, Krysia started to introduce solids, but the baby wasn't too interested. And, realising that breast milk provided all the nutrients Naoise needed, Krysia relaxed, and stopped worrying about what he was eating.

'I'd imagined I'd have finished breastfeeding him by the time he was a year old, but when his first birthday came, he still seemed so small.

"It had taken time to get breastfeeding properly established, and it seemed crazy to stop something that was going so well. By then I'd learned to follow Naoise's needs, so I carried on. And before I knew it he was two, and I was still breastfeeding. I just carried on until he didn't seem to have a need for it."

Were there ever any embarrassing moments in public?

"No. With an older child you can set limits on breastfeeding," she says. "You can say 'we'll only feed at night-time', or 'only first thing in the morning'. You can say, 'It's not acceptable to walk up to me in the shopping centre and to pull my top up'."

Krysia breastfed her second son Fionn, beyond his second birthday, too, and she is currently breastfeeding her daughter, Siabhra, who is 15 months old. But she wouldn't describe herself as radical.

"I'm just following my child, and mothering through breastfeeding," she says.

"I know loads of mums who long-term breastfeed. I met some of them at the local mother and toddler group. I don't think these mums breastfeed older children by design, I think they end up doing so because they see the benefits to their child."

Many mums, though, keep quiet about the practice.

"It's just not culturally acceptable in Ireland," says Krysia. "Other cultures are different. I was breastfeeding Naoise in Portugal when he was around 21 months old. We were at a truck stop on a motorway and I thought, 'this is the worst possible place'. But a lorry driver gave me the thumbs up. Three others shouted encouraging comments. They were saying, 'sup it up baby!' They were telling me about their children, and the late age they had been weaned."

Monica O'Connor, a mum of six -- who recently fostered four more children -- breastfed all her children long term. Some of them weaned themselves at three -- one, the most resistant, at five years and four months. Monica is still breastfeeding Eamon, at 23 months. To her, it is entirely natural.

'When I was 16 I met a family with a new baby. He was breastfed into toddlerhood. It was the first time I'd seen that. I liked the family's healthy lifestyle, and felt theirs was my parenting ideal.

"Darragh was born 23 years ago when I was 18. Breastfeeding was relatively rare back then. Out of the 24 women in and out of the postnatal ward the week I was there, only four breastfed. Yet I breastfed on planes and trains; in the church and the cinema and in supermarkets, and have never, ever, received a negative comment."

Monica doesn't believe people are aware when she's feeding an older child. "Up to two I'd have them in a sling, and most people presume the child is asleep," she says. "By three it becomes a private thing first thing in the morning. Few people would know about it; even the grandparents might not be aware.

"I wish long-term breastfeeding was culturally acceptable, but I realise that it's not. And there are times when I have to distract an older child, because I know it will cause the people around us discomfort. Yet if I pulled out a soother, or a bottle for an older child, nobody would raise an eyebrow. That bothers me. Because by breastfeeding, I'm doing the very best that I can for my child."

Monica believes that many women are nursing older children, but are hiding it.

"They feel they have to. It's as if it's something shameful, which of course it isn't. And because it's hidden people are unaware that it's happening."

Breast-Feeding Older Children by Ann Sinnott is published by Free Association Books www.fabooks.com

- Sue Leonard